There's a possibility that Tunde's last relationship wouldn't have failed if not for his job. Now, he has decided to suspend relationships till further notice as he builds his career while calling it a distraction.
What was your idea of work before you got your first job?
Work, as I saw it growing up and in the university was something you do as a phase. I think you'd get to a certain point in life and you just have to work as an adult to fund your lifestyle.
Same way there's a point in life you have to go to school or learn a trade or skill, to become a professional. I knew work to be something you had to do to get the things you need to make life livable. I grew up around parents who were business people.
More importantly, I discovered that beyond what work offers materially, it's a tool to keep the mind occupied. Looking back, I knew work was something that had to be done and was often repetitive.
When you started working, were you surprised, or did your experience confirm your suspicions?
Well, it's a mix of both. Many of the things I noticed then are still the same. But I realised it's not all black and white as I discovered that certain jobs bring higher returns monetarily compared to others.
And there's also the psychological part—things such as fulfilment have become a thing. I didn't grow up thinking a job should bring any form of fulfilment beyond the fact that working is something I should do as an adult and it should be able to fund my lifestyle and build a family.
Monetarily, how are you doing since you started working?
I've been working passively since I was a student. As a student, I wouldn't say I was earning very much but it wasn't bad for my situation back then. I could live comfortably as a student, which is quite relative.
Now as someone working actively, initially what I earned was a bit okay but I could have done better. Over time, the economy became tougher and there were more responsibilities from home putting a lot of pressure on me.
Looking at available data, what I earn now is not terrible but I feel it can be better because of my current economic realities. Add the fact that I am living in Lagos.
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Monetarily, work has been quite rewarding. To rate it on a scale of 1-10, I'd say five. Besides, I'm able to get some freelance gigs. And I know there's a potential to even earn more from my current stand. The outlook is optimistic, and it's going to get better soon.
What about fulfilment-wise?
On a scale of 1-10, I'll say 7. One thing my current workplace has done for me that I've not been privileged to experience somewhere else is that I've been given the room to learn and grow.
My trajectory has been nothing short of amazing. It's a lot of work and sleepless nights, more are still ahead but given the room to grow and pursue what I want to do is great.
So, I'll say I'm fulfilled because I'm learning and hope to get better. One of the reasons it's not 9/10 is because there are a lot of things I want to do that I can't do now which are tied to how much I'm earning. For instance, I'd like to go back to school and learn more and see how I can apply myself more.
It appears you're having it better than the average working adult. How many years now?
Overall, six years with over two years at this current job.
Are there things you're not pleased with on this work journey?
Yes. It's the fact that you can't predict the kind of people you'll meet. It's basically navigating relationships. I'm not the best of social people, but I'm still a work in progress.
Also, you don't know the people you are working with, how to manage their expectations, and also how to not lose yourself in the process. I've had three managers, but I didn't have a smooth work relationship with one of them.
It was a case of both of us not understanding expectations and outcomes and it led to altercations. So, things like this happen where you have to deal with other people.
I've learnt to do better now though, because my then-self was ready to lose everything during the altercation, but common sense prevailed and I had to breathe and reach out to other people, and that saved me.
Navigating that has taught me. So far, the only thing I'll say I'm not really pleased about is not finding a proper structure at a job and just having to figure it out myself. This may have its pros, but it may not work for other people.
Also, I'm not pleased with having to move to Lagos. I'm not a fan of Lagos but I'm learning to live with it. In some way, I believe moving to Lagos is one of the reasons my last relationship ended.
Are you sure you want to blame that relationship thing on work?
Moving made my relationship long distant and that probably put some strain on it. I'm not sure, I'm even indifferent. It's ended and that's it. There are many factors that might have caused it, but the distance played a huge role.
So what impact has working had on other parts of your life whether you envisaged it or not?
There's the part where I don't get to see my immediate family as much. It takes a lot of effort to meet up with them.
Working has also helped me to plan. The truth is if I was told that this is the kind of job I'd be doing for a living six years ago, I wouldn't have agreed. There were many pathways I could have gone through, but this one stuck.
At the same time, working has given me a different insight into having relationships with people. I've evolved in terms of having to relate with people. There's a part of my life that's very reserved, working has improved my social life. It has opened me up to the idea of meeting new people and welcoming them.
Relationship-wise, I don't think it's helping in that aspect. With the nature of my work, it will take a very understanding partner to bear with me. Of course, I'm not saying the potential partner will be less busy but it'll take a lot.
Right now, it'll take an extra effort to invest in a relationship. Right now, I'm at that point in my career where what I do will not allow me give priority to having a romantic relationship.
Interesting! Do you mean work is hurting your relationships? How's that?
Work does not allow me to start one and stay in it. It's a case of I've not been in one for some time now. And looking at my work now, I can't really give enough time to the relationship in that sense. For me, entering into one without giving time for it to survive is like a waste of time, so I'd rather not do it.
Have you thought of doing something about this since capitalism isn't gonna give you a break?
Right now, I'm not trying to change the way it is because I'm not currently looking for a relationship. Definitely in the near future. But for now, I don't want to change the system, I like the way it is working for me. I intend to use this period to fast-track my growth.
I still have little time to manage relationships with a few friends and reach out to family, but the other one is a distraction for me at the moment so I'd rather not change the system.
Regardless, I'm still talking to one or two people at the moment, but I'm not planning to start anything because I think it will scatter the whole system that I've built.
I'd like to know the systems you've built around managing your friendships with work.
I have very few friends, two close ones, and five at most. Most of us are equally busy. We don't see quite much or know what is going on in each other's lives. We try to see once within two to three months. Aside from that, we don't actively reach out to ourselves every day.
My closest friend is my housemate, so that makes things easier with talking to them. I don't have to do a lot of reaching out with the other friends. We either meet at familiar places or do long calls at least every two weeks to catch up.
For family, they call me more often than I call, but we ensure we speak every week either during the week or at weekends.
I know, being in a relationship, I have to do more talks, I have to do a lot of reaching out and following up. It's not as if this is bad but right now, I can't do that yet.
I also see this as the aftermath of leaving a long relationship which makes it look like it's now a time to recalibrate and have a lot of me-time.
How long do you think this phase will last?
I don't think it'll take long. Possibly, very soon, but not this year. It's also possible it's because I've not met someone who would make me scatter this whole system. Fingers crossed.
If you'd judge your approach and the outcomes, would you say it's the best for early-stage career people?
This is not a one-size-fits-all situation, but there are certain things that are a no-brainer. You just have to lock into your work especially when starting out. Some things may suffer.
I won't ask people to end their relationships because they want to grow in a capitalist system. If it's a distraction and you see you can't commit, maybe you should. What I advise is that you build a flexible system around doing your work for growth to happen, whether in a relationship or not.
I took a lot of bets on myself when starting out. Some of them did not play out well, while some did and I was able to learn from them.
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