On the first edition of Work Life, Eden* shares how she spent over three years of her career life with two manipulative bosses. While the experience impacted her self-esteem, she has learnt to know how to spot a toxic boss from afar.
How would you describe your relationship with work?
If I had my way, I'd like to work at my own pace. Work, then go on a vacation when I like.
I love to work especially if it's something that challenges me, something I love to do, or something new I'm learning. But when it becomes monotonous, it gets tiring, and I think at that point, I just want to pace myself and probably go on a break from work and later come back to it.
But, on a serious note, ehn, I just want to be "iyawo oga" (Boss' wife) and be chilling, you know? The #Chivido2024 kind of life, you get?
More like you want someone to fund your lifestyle?
Well... The point is I enjoy working and having my own money because one of the things I've always had at the back of my mind when I started working was that I wanted to be financially independent. And being financially independent means I needed to work to have the money.
I don't want to look up to anybody or beg for basic things that I should be able to afford by myself. But if I had my way, I'd probably just be enjoying life as it comes and not stress myself. Pace myself; work a little, enjoy life a little. Go for holidays twice a year. You understand?
Well, I understand. Isn't that what we all want? Unfortunately, being an adult isn't so forgiving. What would you say influenced your current mindset towards work?
I don't think anything influenced it because it's definitely not from the first place I worked. When I started working, it was with a company that was result-driven and everyone was up and doing. Everyone was doing multiple things at the same time, and we just wanted to get things done.
Apparently, your first job didn't teach you to want to sit back and be taken care of. Interesting. Tell us about your first work experience.
My first work experience was as an intern at a tech company. It was really great. I was exposed to a lot of things as a fresh graduate coming into a corporate space and meeting a lot of people who graduated from popular universities in the country.
It was an eye-opener for me that this world exists and I could have my share in it. One of the things it did to me was to expose me to the fact that the job market is very wide and you can't limit yourself just because you didn't graduate from a university. It was a mindset shift for me.
Suck at managing people?
Give it a try, you can unsubscribe anytime. Privacy Policy.
Written by a community building expert with 15 years experience. Learn more.
I was excited that I now earned my own money. So, I made up my mind -- and thankfully for the kind of boss I worked with -- that I would make the best out of it.
It appears your first boss made a huge impact on giving your career a good head start. So, where did it go wrong? I believe you felt your boss was manipulative, no?
First of all, I wouldn't really say they are. I just think that they aimed to motivate me, but their actions were demeaning and disrespectful. Just like another boss I worked with later.
Oh, there was another employer who acted that way?
Yes, I've worked with two bosses who have been disrespectful in dealing with me. I know, you might think that I'm trying to defend them but both of them did what they did in a bid to motivate and get the best out of me, but the way they went about it can be termed as demeaning and disrespectful.
They would make you even want to doubt yourself or your abilities, or what you're capable of. They will make you start rethinking your abilities.
How do you want to make someone do better and you're telling them something like, "You can do better than this. Looking at your work now, does it make you feel more intelligent or dumber?" And other statements like that.
Looking at it now, they were not motivating, they were demeaning. And I'm not even a Gen Z that would say that someone was disrespecting me for the sake of it. I'm a Millennial. So, I know when someone is saying something disrespectful to me to make me feel less of myself.
That was how I felt when I was working at my first place of work. It just felt as though I wasn't fitting into the organisation. Because it seems there's nothing you're doing so well. You now become a kick-around in the organisation, they are moving you from one department to another. See... I don't even want to recount all that now so my mood doesn't spoil.
I'm sorry I'm making you remember this.
It's okay. I've moved past it, so I don't even remember enough to recount it. It's now that we're talking about it that I remember a bit. Same with the second workplace. A place you'll want to go for meetings and you're having panic attacks. You've had sleepless nights and done a lot of work, but at the end of the day, you're getting bullshit in your ears because of... see, that's as much as I can say.
How would you describe what the first experience did to you generally?
It messed with my brain, self-esteem, and confidence. Looking back, I don't think there was a time I felt I did something right.
And you're explaining it away as this person wanted what was good for you?
Well... that's how it felt like. Or better still, that's how they made it seem like they were pushing me to be the best.
And did a part of you believe/think you became your best with this?
No!
After the fact, do you relate with these two bosses the same, especially since they had a similar style of "motivating" you?
Not really, I didn't extend grace to the second boss as much as I did for the first. I think the first boss had taught me a lesson, so I could perceive manipulation from afar with the second person. I could perceive when someone was trying to gaslight me or wash me down.
My first boss did a lot of good things for me that I won't be able to mention, I can remember up to three things that will just make me overlook his style of leadership.
But the second one, I burned and buried the bridge because it wasn't worth it at all. They even tried to make me feel bad when I informed them I was leaving, questioning my loyalty and insinuating that I was leaving because of money. I don't regret burning that bridge.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. At what point did you realise that what the first employer did was hurting you or your work? At what point did you decide to leave?
I didn't realise until I left and started speaking with people I trusted about it. Then they opened my eyes to what was being done to me. I initially argued because I didn't want to believe my boss did that to me.
And did you attempt to get closure?
No, I don't think it was necessary. I mean, why should speak with the person about it? What would I say was wrong? How will I go about the conversation?
Even if I realised while I was still there, I don't know what I'd have done. I would have probably left and not looked back at all. Maybe I would have behaved like a Gen Z and moved on from the job without any form of notice or communication.
You and Gen Z! Seems you're of the opinion that Gen Zs wouldn't take half of what Millennials endure.
I sincerely believe so. I've worked with a couple of them, and I've seen how they behave.
By the way, how long did you spend working with these bosses?
I spent over two years at the first and about nine months at the second.
Your eyes must have really opened with the second. You must be proud of yourself.
Definitely proud of myself!
So, how would you say you recovered from all this?
Would I say I'm fully recovered? I'm not sure. I think I just got better at staying far away from toxic people. I developed a "strong sense of smell" to sniff out those sorts of people from afar.
But I'm way better than I used to be, though it creeps in at times. I've also gotten better at handling those kinds of situations and people without letting it get to me. Another thing the experience did to me was to become really defensive because I always felt the need to stand up for myself so no one could put me down.
I see... your experience helped you develop a defense. If you'd give a newbie a list of red flags they should look out for in a narcissistic boss, what would it be? Don't leave out the subtle ones.
What to look out for are bosses that gaslight and manipulate you. A subtle sign is those who micromanage you extremely.
Anyone who talks condescendingly at you but wants you to see it like they are trying to motivate or inspire you, avoid them.
If they are not paying attention to how you're feeling when they are talking to you, it's a sign. For instance, the other person is crying or in tears, and they just go on with what they are saying; look out for that.
Go to a place where your growth matters. Go to a place where you can significantly contribute to the organisation and you don't become the weakest link that can be kicked out at any point.
Want to share your Worklife story? Pitch to Oluwanifemi
